I know you have to text that message and you're going places, but don't do it at the same time. What if you should happen to meet with clumsy-based misfortune due to not paying attention to where you're going? And someone is filming this incident unbeknownst to you? And then they post it on the YouTube where people worldwide can poke fun at your mishap again and again into perpetuity. So much so, that the video lands on local and then national news affiliates, who then broadcast your mortification to people who AREN'T EVEN ON THE INTERNET? Rhetorical questions. Just don't do it.
Breaking News: Bear Sighting in La Crescenta (I actually have friends who live there so I can't wait to talk about the bear at their next backyard barbecue). Guy texting and ambling down the usually peaceful sidewalk has NO CLUE. Well, he's about to get a wake-up call from one of nature's most intimidating omnivores.
This one's famous. I know you've seen it. It's the Beatles of falling-down-while-texting videos. Still, there's a reason it's such a classic. It's damn effective as a deterrent. This lady later tried to sue the mall but I don't know what's going on with that. I think she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Heh.
Girl falls down while texting on live news. She. Really. Falls. Down. Do you think she kept on texting while on the ground? I FELL DWN NOW. ANKLE BRK. OW OW OW. THIS SCKS.
I didn't forget about episode 13 - And Then There were Two last week—I just couldn't get to it. And since it was continued into this week's LIVE FINAL SHOW, I'm going to combine the two shows into one post here. Celebrity Apprentice season 12 is finally FINALLY over! Eighteen celebrities, Trump's grumpy orange mug, tons of abundant celebrity hair as seen on this blog for I don't even know how long now. How did we all keep from completely losing our minds? Perhaps we don't want to know the answer to that.
Firstly, I would like to congratulate the winner, Arsenio Hall. I like both him and Clay Aiken, so waddaya gonna do? I thought (or at least the final show was edited as such) that Clay was going to be the winner. He made twice as much in donations for his charity (over $300,000 to Arsenio's $100,000+), the majority of the fired celebrities said they wanted him to win. His variety show seemed very lively and interactive compared to Arsenio's more sophisticated affair. But in the end, Arsenio wears the crown.
I suppose Trump wanted to hitch his wagon to a former talk-show host who proved to be massively popular at one time. Star power—it definitely has gravitational pull. Once again Clay is the runner up who seemed to deserve the win just as much if not more. Hat's off to two intelligent, funny men of reality TV. I don't know how they survived this grueling competition and even became friends during the process.
Mixed-media portraits, complete with arcade fortunes from the Musee Mecanique of San Francisco. Both men are pointing at us—interesting.
Clay gets confetti of his own (from crayon wrappers—he does work with children). Dude deserves some confetti.
Thoughts on this Celebrity Apprentice roundup. All quotes are paraphrased through my brain filters for your pleasure:
Last week, the main event was Aubrey O'Day getting fired for being "young and transparent." She proclaims she is not transparent but is actually a solid. She blows a kiss out of the elevator of shame but by then everyone has moved on to the final task at hand.
That task is a fundraising event / variety show / videotaped PSA / hoopla of epic proportions. Former players are recruited to help out. For his team, Arsenio chooses Adam Corolla, Cryin' Lisa Lampanelli, Paul Teutul, Sr. and Teresa Giudice. Clay chooses Penn Jillette (to prove he can get along with people he doesn't get along with), Debbie Gibson, Dee Snyder and Aubrey, who's the last to be picked for a team. Which immediately brings this to mind:
Arsenio is working for the Magic Johnson Foundation, which has been doing community service for 20 years now. Arsenio can't discuss his charity without tearing up. Clay's raising money for his own charity, National Inclusion Project, integrating kids with disabilities into camps, playgrounds and classrooms. They both end up raising bucket-loads of money, so good deal.
Adam Carolla's wisecracks are priceless. He thinks Magic Johnson should send Arsenio a fruit basket in a suitcase full of weed. He has dealings with a costumer who has a giant penis in his caged office. Thereafter it becomes known as the Penis Cage. He thinks Teresa Giudice (he announces her as "Joo-dice") is so naïve she thinks the word naïve is a brand of douche. Why was Adam fired so early on? Because of his sense of humor, which he says is as helpful in the boardroom as it is in golf or porn.
Clay has a moment with a baseball coach, who in the process of asking
Clay to leave the field, shouts, "Oh my God! I
voted for you!" When Clay tries to angle his way onto the outfield for
his video shoot, the coach shoots him down, explaining his kid is in the
middle of pitching. The power of fame pales in the face of Little
League.
The big cliffhangers of last week were: would Arsenio get a shot of Magic Johnson that would properly cut into his existing PSA footage of funny 80s spokespeople? And would Clay get to see a sketch of Debbie's cousin's mural design for his 70-foot party-space wall before she starts painting? The answers were yes and yes.
And we're LIVE! Trump is on the phone with Mayor Bloomberg (riiiiight) and then he's zipping through the streets of Manhattan in Mario Andretti's race car. My goodness, this show does deliver the surreal.
George Takei thanks Trump for having him on the show because even though
he was fired, people still sent $10,000 to his charity, the Japanese American National Museum.
Victoria Gotti is like someone out of a fairytale who lives in a cottage in the woods and tends to a very strange garden. She, Tia Carrere and Dayana Mendoza all take turns saying how awful it was to work with Lisa and Aubrey, calling them cartoonish backstabbing liars. The audience is all like, "Yay!"
Lisa gets the "bitch from hell" montage and she explains herself by telling Trump never to have a 50-year-old menopausal woman with hormonal issues on the show again. Across America, 50-year-old menopausal women are grumbling at their televisions.
Trump forces Dayana to stand up for the crowd like a show pony, in a very Charles Foster Kane attempt to make us see how wonderfully talented she is.
Aubrey offers a blanket apology for being so in the moment and competitive. Tepid applause follows.
Back to the task: the unsung hero of the show may be Teller, who upon arrival to help Penn with a magic show, is immediately put to work painting that damn mural with everyone
else on Clay's team,. Clay paints while wearing a garbage bag so he won't
soil his suit.
Apparently the Claymates have the big bucks. They bring in an impressive amount of money. Kelly Clarkson donates $10,000 to Clay's charity. Orel Hershiser shows up with $20,000. Baseball comes through for Clay after all. Lisa hires a drag queen to play herself and donates $10,000 to Clay because he was nice to work with. OK, that was nice. And self-promoting. But very nice because I think she donates to Arsenio as well.
Arsenio gets two donations from Jay Leno, donations from Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, George Lopez and the Andretti family, and gets to show up with Whoopi Goldberg on his arm, thrilling Trump no end. It is a star-studded night of donation checks!
Clay's Carnival of Fun actually looks very fun. But I'm a sucker for stilt walkers. And Debbie Gibson is spinning plates on sticks while twirling a hula hoop. You don't see that every day.
If you want to win Celebrity Apprentice, get all your comedian teammates to make fun of Trump's hair.
That Aubrey O'Day drag queen singing "I Will Survive" looked great. Oh...wait...
Dee Snyder actually performs "Baby Love" with Debbie Gibson *snert!* Then they segue into a rousing refrain of "We're Not Gonna Take It," which means that anthem will now be stuck in my head for the next seven to twelve days. Joke's on me. Later
Arsenio and Clay perform "Lean on Me" with an enthusiastic choir. Why must their friendship be set to song for a live audience? I was hoping Jo Anne Worley would jump in from stage left, yelling, "You bet your sweet bippy!"
We'll never know why Trump chose Arsenio over Clay (was it the mural?) but that sure was a lot of confetti. Trumps don't skimp on the confetti.
Who I'd like to see on the next Celebrity Apprentice:
Fred Schneider from the B-52s, so I can hear him shout, "Shake your money maker!" at fundraising events.
Kathy Griffin—for God's sake, please.
Jo Anne Worley—why not? Get Ruth Buzzi on the phone while you're at it.
The cast from Boy Meets World.
Cherie Currie
Adam Corolla—just keep putting him on there.
Ru Paul
Anyone from Barney Miller or failing that, WKRP in Cincinnati
Someone from the graduating class of Glee
Wayne Gretzky (aim high)
Micky Dolenz
Tim Meadows
Robin Leach so he can narrate every plush location on the show.
It's almost bikini season. I hope you're pumping iron and spinning your wheels like never before in order to wear tiny scraps of cloth that move every which way when you enter, swim in and exit from waterways. But wait—must we bind ourselves to the idea of fabric when it comes to swimwear? This is, after all, the 21st Century. We should be evolving and so should our swim separates!
I'm breaking out of the boring old bikini mode of yesteryear and going green in the process. We all want to save Earth's precious resources while showing off our killer bods, right? But before you start Googling "bamboo thongs" or "hemp bandeaus," give the new CWW swimwear line a look-see. I think you'll be pleasantly gobsmacked by the crazy-sexy-cool beachwear situation we're presenting here.
Are we not green? We are vegan! Make a bold statement in our broccoli bikini. Guaranteed to last for half a day on the beach—or slightly longer poolside, if you avoid chlorine. Why are you swimming in chlorine anyway? That's unnatural and potentially toxic. Find yourself a saline-chemical pool or run through the sprinklers. But why do you have a lawn anyway? They waste water and are a source of fertilizer over-use that is ruining our very existence! Buy our broccoli bikini and don't be a putz.
Guaranteed organic broccoli bikini from local growers only
Those freakin' flip-flops, packing the landfill with their non-biodegradable bullshit! Aren't you ashamed to be flip-flopping around in those things? No worries! This repurposed flip-flop bikini gives new life to discarded footwear. You'll flip! And they float too, making you the most talked about gal at the community pool.
Comes in multiple flip-flop colors—we'll decide what's right for you
You've sold your car and now get around strictly by public transportation and bicycle. Good for you! I hope you're wearing your helmet out there. What about all the helmets getting tossed out each year? They're bulky and not exactly breaking down into organic matter any time soon. We got you covered—in a bicycle helmet bikini of course! Made of hard-impact materials that protect you every which way. If you're the clumsy type, I think you'll appreciate the safety aspects of this soon-to-be classic black suit. Reflector light makes swimming in the dark a breeze!
Celebrity Apprentice headquarters has officially acknowledged the fantastic array of hair in this season's cast and therefore commands the remaining celebrities to produce an "Elle" magazine print ad for the Chi Touch hairdryer. The surreal aspects of this show are pretty evident in my opening sentence here, I think you'll agree. The first touchscreen hairdryer (does it have GPS capabilities?) is sure to inspire the shrinking but well-coiffed teams, With only five celebrities left—it's like a late chapter in an Agatha Christie mystery—there is nowhere to run to; nowhere to hide. Arsenio Hall, Teresa Giudice and Aubrey O'Day round out team
Forte, and Crying Lisa Lampanelli and Clay Aiken are what's left of team Unanimous.
The diminutive Farouk Shami, president of Farouk Systems (somehow connected to Chi Hair), is introduced wearing brilliantly red Chi cowboy boots. His toothy smile does not necessarily convey happiness but does signal that he is very taken with Aubrey. And who wouldn't be? In her tight leopard-print dress, she is channeling Cruella De Ville on safari. Their giggling and brazen flirtation is a scene from a David Lynch film and one of the reasons I keep watching this show.
The hairdryer is from Chi, so Aubrey immediately thinks of blissful chi yoga and wants to do a yoga-inspired photo layout. The industrial red, bold-fonted Chi products are anything but blissful looking but project manager Teresa nods her head several times and it's on. Model negotiation time: this consists of Teresa gaping
as Lisa refuses to let her have the red-haired model she wants for no apparent
reason other than to fuck with her head (with Clay laughing behind a door).
Lisa is Clay's project manager, but it's like they're both project managers and they get along well. Her concept is to focus on what's on the inside a girl, or a dryer, or something like that. Lisa refers to models in general as "whoh-ars," meaning whore, which is what she screamed at Arsenio never to call a woman when he was railing at Aubrey a few weeks back. Lisa is complex. Lisa says her models will be types (thankfully not whores), like a librarian or a tomboy or (pointing to the only black model in the room)...Lisa Bonet. This perplexes me, but I think she means a bohemian type. Lisa and substitute Lisa Bonet go shopping for clothes because neither Clay or Lisa know anything about fashion and they're hoping their model does. The resulting ad will prove otherwise but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Aubrey finagles her way into Teresa's shoot by offering to take over as the red-haired model that Teresa fought for so inefficiently. Teresa's fine with that. She's not so fine with Audrey's boobs hanging out during dress-up time. "Don't you have morals?" she asks the camera. Nope. Teresa likes photography and likes telling the models they look good. Arsenio is a photographer so he takes on the task of shooting the hairdryer hero shots. That's right—I know some terminology—I have mad skills.
Two of the models hold yoga poses while blowdrying their hair. Aubrey and the male model simply hold the dryers to their abundant hair. I don't get it, but it is a for a women's fashion magazine, so logic is not on the table. There's no ad copy other than the name of the company and the dryer. During the live presentation in front of a whispery, wisp of an Elle editor, smiling Farouk, and a Chi CEO, Teresa is nervous and can barely read her speech but Aubrey and Arsenio do a good job acting thrilled about a hairdryer. After Arsenio's imitation of a loud hairdrying session and conversation where no words can be heard, the Elle editor softly intones to the clients, "He's funny," Plus he has no hair. I would buy a hairdryer from Arsenio.
Clay and Lisa have a brochure-like ad with lots of copy. Their models are dressed in weird-colored, blocky, dated clothing. The librarian model is wearing glasses because what-the-hey, she's a librarian. The tomboy in her slouchy jeans and plaid shirt should have been called "the slob" or "the stay-at-home blogger." Lisa and Clay do a good job talking up their model-types idea. The clients like that the models are kind of like real people and that the ad actually describes what the product is and does. Although they find the ad dated looking, they give Lisa the win. Her charity, Gay Men's Health Crisis will get tens of thousands of dollars. Good deal.
Boardroom of predictability: everyone knows it's Teresa's turn to get the ax. She's a sweet lady, according to Arsenio, but she's worn out her welcome and with no special skills other than "being the opposite of slow," and "liking photography," she must go in a manner that Trump predicts will be "rather brutal." He is a man of few words but they tend to be well chosen. Teresa makes a show of trying to get Arsenio fired for not doing anything during the model shoot, but Arsenio gets her with the ol' "What is an F-stop, Teresa?" question. It's not too tough to stump Teresa. Her arguments consist of "I know you are but what am I?" thinking. Arsenio has charm on his side. Besides I like watching his friendship with Clay blossom. It's nice to see two people become good friends.
Since this episode is endless, let's pause for some celebrity hair...makeovers! Whee!
I'm sorry for yet another demented Aubrey O'Day portrait. I work from screen shots and she has a really mobile face. She looks all stretched out here—I have to draw what I see. I think Aubrey has the cojones to chop all her hair off and look as badass on the outside as she feels on the inside.
I like Clay's permanent blow-dryer hair. It adds an air of whimsy and refers back to the 80s penchant for defying gravity without being too referential. Still, it would be fun to see him emulate a pomaded silent-screen idol, complete with pencil 'stache.
Teresa's got soap-opera diva hair as befitting a Real Housewife, I suppose. There's so much of it, I had to use a really thick pen, or I would be drawing her hair all night. She needs a sense of lightness and fun, a la Pebbles. Cartoon glamor is always a treat.
Arsenio has no hair and doesn't really need any to look good. His jaunty hats are appreciated in a world of baseball caps and *shudder* indoor cowboy hat-wearing Celebrity Apprentice dudes.
Back to the boardroom: Teresa's fired and the final four whoop it up briefly until a call comes from Trump. Back to the boardroom they go, to be interviewed by last year's winner, country musician John Rich, and runner-up, actress Marlee Matlin. Trump will then fire two of the four and I can stop drawing all these people really soon.
I'm glad Marlee will be around—she's always good in everything she does. John Rich conducts his interviews while wearing a large black cowboy hat. That's really not necessary. I think he should be more secure in his country standing and take off the hat during business interviews. Plus it looks stupid. There's no sun in this meeting room that requires a large-brimmed shading device. Only the blinding glare of celebrity charisma.
Marlee and John have been closely watching the show because the celebrities get grilled. Marlee immediately wants to know if Aubrey is in it for the attention, rather than the charity. Ha ha! Good one, Marlee. She finds Clay very sweet. Arsenio is charming but the flip side is his temper and name-calling. Lisa talks a lot but has the tendency to let her emotions take over (well, she is Crying Lisa). John finds Aubrey bright but "green" (poison in reality-show talk). He can't tell if Clay is a leader or a follower since he only managed two challenges (I think the other celebrities could only manage three at most on this season—oh well). Arsenio doesn't look tired enough for this show, like he needs to work harder. Lisa looks plenty tired and is rambling. Trump frowns and thanks Marlee, her interpreter, and John who's still wearing that stupid hat.
Lisa is fired for being a crying pain in the ass, although she notes in the elevator of shame that she wasn't really called out for anything bad, just let go. And that's that. Because she tends to tell people they're stupid over and over again, in various insulting ways, none of which are ever funny—no makeover for her. I'm not even going to fix her f'd up hands here. Hands take time to draw and I'm not spending my precious valuable time resources on this self-promoter's waving appendages. I don't remember why she was waving her hands about this time around. Perhaps to tell us "Buh-bye."
Tune in next week to find out who else was fired. I honestly have no idea who it will be. Good work, sadistic editors.
That's right: WWMD? Toshiro Mifune, muse of the master director Akira Kurosawa, was an all-time great movie star, sensitive actor and screen icon. If you haven't sat down to watch a Kurosawa film starring Mifune—I don't know what you're waiting for. Life is short. Get to it. Your starting points to the filmography of excellence: Drunken Angel, Stray Dog, Rashomon, Seven Samurai, The Hidden Fortress, High and Low, Throne of Blood, Yojimbo, and Sanjuro. Classic stuff.
Having watched a lot of these films in the past couple decades, I started imagining true-life scenarios featuring Mifune. Of course, my true life and his film life might seem worlds apart, but his spirited approach to problem and conflict resolution hold up And if only I could move like a cat and be as cool as Mifune. Take a journey with me into my mundane existence, as filtered through thoughts of Mifune.
This blog needs updating. My mind is churning but I will sit here reading my twitter feed until something jumps out at me.
Twitter is useless today. I've spent an hour clicking on links and I'm no closer to accomplishing anything. Al Jazeera News is particularly disturbing. I'll skip those posts. I will not write about 'Mad Men.' Everyone and their mother is writing about 'Mad Men.' If 'Mad Men' was cancelled, what would all these people write about?
I've checked the 'fridge. We're almost out of milk. I have to go to the grocery store. But I don't want to drive. I want to ride my bike. It's so difficult to carry a jug of milk on a bike. But it's a "spare the air" day and the store is only a mile-and-a-half away. I will go! Some relevant thought will come to me and I'll post something here later.
Milk is frickin' expensive. I should try to get a job again. At least the blog pays a bit in grocery bills every month. But not if I don't post anything on it! I want some light-weight hiking shoes for when I walk in the hills. That's $80 spent right there. Fuck it. I have birthday money. I'll get the milk after.
Shoes are 10% off today! These are great shoes and they allow my feet to breathe on hot days. Hey-oh! Now how will I carry them and the milk on my bike? If I put all my energy into it, I'll find a way!
Yet still, nothing on the blog. In a way, I've failed. But I have some great shoes, some milk, and avocados were on sale for a dollar each, so in some respects, on my terms, I have succeeded.
I am trapped within my existence and I make of it what I will.
Ahh, the writing mind. Does anyone even read my writing? Or do they just come here for the images?I know the answer but I don't want to admit it to myself!
Ultimately, these are merely pixels on a virtual plane, and we are specks in an unknowing universe. Therefore, I dance. To move with intent is joyful!
If it happens to be Saturday, May 5th, 2012, then you're in luck because it's Free Comic Book Day. Check out your local comic book store and have at it. There are events and happenings that will make you say, "Hey—Free Comic Book Day is OK!" Or something of that nature. The FCBD site will give you the tools you need to find your nearby comic book store (mine's practically down the street - #humblebrag), plus current comic book events.
I didn't have time today to draw a comic in celebration, but here are some teeny-tiny Republicans and their hell-mouth envelope I made to send to my friend Deatra for our ongoing mail-art fest. I should have put a pencil or a dime in the photo to give a sense of scale. Each tiny Republican is roughly the size of a blood-engorged tic, or a baby cockroach. You get the idea.
